Crap

5:39pm: Well
What was I saying about this city going down the drain?

10:12pm: 23
Another year older, another year wiser.


Well, the former, anyway.

1:31pm: This place
The city that I live in, the world that we live in, the society that we're all a part of...


It has to hit rock bottom before it can be what we want it to be.

5:19pm: RIP Grandma
( The letter I sent out to friends and relatives )

1:12am: Finished
So. It all comes to an end.

Four years of college; a little over a dozen years of attending school in the States. All on the verge of concluding with a Bachelor's Degree. So what will I be doing on Graduation Day?

Staying behind.

I can easily with come up with a list of reasons (excuses?) why I won't be attending my own graduation ceremony: too busy, too focused on studying, too preoccupied with family issues, etc. But most of all -- most of all -- I just couldn't be bothered to go.

Yes, I realize that graduation is supposed to be a monumental moment in a person's life, whether it be at the high school level, undergraduate level, or even postgraduate or Doctorate levels. I know it very well. But you know what? I simply didn't feel the need or the urge to buy my cap and gown, take my seat with thousands of other graduates, go up on a podium and receive a plaque from my college dean, and finally, throw my cap into the air, in unison, in exhilaration, with the rest of my class.

It's not that the whole show is somehow beneath me. Nor is it that I had any underlying grudge against UCF -- the place had its fair share of shenanigans, sure, but I still consider it a good place to take classes and meet interesting people.

Rather, it's the fact that I want absolutely nothing more to do with the education system which influenced my decision to skip out on the event, on what might have been the most important day of my life.


When I began my very first semester at Florida State, I felt like I could take on every single course I took, and felt like I could achieve anything and everything I ever wanted. I went to every lecture with the sole intention of taking away as much knowledge as I possibly could, all the while taking home a great set of grades that my family and friends could beam about with pride. The two years I spent at FSU were very stimulating academically, and I still felt going to class and absorbing the lessons I got from the professors was very much worthwhile.

Now, as I sit mere hours removed from taking my last exam as a college student, I've found myself feeling largely disillusioned by my college education. I'm still having difficulties attempting to figure out exactly what I got out of my four years in uni, aside from a set of great friends and a piece of paper with my name and major on it.

To be more precise: Am I really smarter or wiser than I was prior to my first ever class at FSU? Am I really more knowledgeable for having gone to college? Am I any more ready to take on and move ahead in life because of the experiences I had while spending time at two universities?

If someone asked me those questions right this second, I would have considerable difficulties with answering Yes to any of them.

Perhaps I sound like a complete and utter ingrate for not being satisfied by my university experience; after all, not everyone gets the chance to prove themselves at the higher levels of education. In saying that, however, I've basically been looking at the finish line for about two years now, without paying any meaningful attention to what would happen after I cross the finish line, and continue onto the next phase in my life.

I'll be honest here: I was only in school because of just how close I was to getting my hands on my degree. I was willing to put up with every textbook I read, with every exam that I took, every attendance sheet my professors passed around, every research paper I cranked out, every lecture I forced myself to attend; I tolerated them as long as I was still working to get the degree. Now that I'm a few grade confirmations away from being certified as a graduate, I can't find any reason why I should go on.

Could I possibly make it as a graduate student? I'll go ahead and say yes; even in my unmotivated, almost indifferent state, I was still getting A's and B's, and even contrived to get my scholarship upgraded to a full-ride status. But as I said before, all the ability in the world isn't going to generate success at a higher level if one isn't willing to work hard for it. There have been enough examples in realms outside of the academic realm to prove that notion correct (I can name dozens off the top of my head in the sports world alone, but I'll spare you the long list of names).

It's a bit difficult to explain, because I actually found much of the course material fairly interesting; it was enjoyable enough to read through some of these books on my own time, learn from them, and eventually form an opinion on it by myself over time. I suppose my problem was that I found the subsequent quizzes and papers on the topics to be of little use. To put it another way: isn't it enough to reinforce the lessons by myself without having to produce a five-page report on it?

Now, I'm not idiotic enough to believe that college indeed works that way; otherwise, I wouldn't have stayed afloat for four years. But when does it get to be too much? I've been given assignments in the last four years that were so utterly redundant and useless that I simply refused to do them, knowing full well that my grade would suffer as a result. What's the point in typing out a two-page response paper to an hour-long lecture by a guest speaker? Or giving a presentation on a certain aspect of a country's modern culture in a history class? Where's the facilitation of learning? Where's the reinforcement? Where's the ability to expand upon the ideas? Where's the recycling center that I can go to so I won't have to feel guilty about wasting so much paper?

There's the old adage about how "you can never have enough knowledge," and certainly, there's plenty of truth to that. But surely, we can all expand our philosophical worldview, discover new ideas and thoughts, and become a better enlightened society without having to worry about using the proper sources for a run-of-the-mill research paper, and then having to cite them correctly?


Although the overall tone of this essay (if I could call it that) suggests otherwise, I don't regret for a single second the fact I was able to go to university. How can I? Every new experience is a learning experience, after all; I'm all the better for going through the process, if only because I've gotten to know myself, and my surroundings, far better than I did four years ago.

But I'm not going to lie, I still feel disappointed with the overall college experience in the end. The lessons I learned from interacting with different people will likely serve me very well in the grander scheme of my life. The lessons I took away from the classrooms and the books I read... well, not so much.

Perhaps I should just stick to local libraries and bookstores from this day forward, and never step foot on a college campus again?

12:30am: Now presenting to the worldwide audience
( The Definitive Guide to Spotting Wapanese Girls )

12:20am: Build Strong



( Read on )

11:51pm: Yo
www.soccerclips.net


I write an article for the website every week highlighting the top ten goals of the week from the world of football (or soccer, for the non-futbolistas).

I suppose I can use it as an excuse for my lack of updates on LJ, but... meh. I just couldn't be arsed, to be totally honest.

11:16pm: Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas everyone. Hope it's a fun 'un.



( Oh, and I wrote another long entry just in time for the holidays. Checkit )

10:41pm: An open letter to Floridians
Or more specifically, Floridians who either couldn't read between the lines or simply had little to no clue as they stepped up to the voting booth. Seriously, keeping McCain and his toolbox of a running mate out of the Oval Office does not make up for all the lunacy I witnessed in the Amendment section of the Florida ballot.

( So, on that note, let's proceed with the rest of my open letter. )



Man, I wrote a lot.

12:07am: Halloween
( How I greeted the trick-or-treaters tonight )

6:10pm: Florida's Amendment 2...
It's one of those rare, candid political commentaries from yours truly, but I feel it has to be done. So without further ado...


( Let me tell you about this absolute sham of a bill. )

12:34am: lol
I am "that one."

11:18am: 91101
Seven years. Cot damn.

I say this because I still remember that fateful day like it was yesterday.

11:51am: The last rites
School's been cool.

That is all.

10:53am: The Prodctionz presents
Daisuke Matsui:




Scott McDonald

5:38pm: Joga Feio Manifesto #1
( The execs at Nike would prefer you not read the following )

12:04am: Going even further with the previous entry
( Wrote the following in class over the course of two days )

5:10pm: Expanding upon a previous entry
Just to follow up on this particular entry:


Four more weeks.

Four more weeks of getting up every morning and immediately scurrying off to the bus stop. Four more weeks of making the same bus ride down the same route every day. Four more weeks of rushing off to a lecture hall which is only half-full on a good day (and nearly deserted on its worst day). Four more weeks of wasting away my time on a daily basis by sitting in the middle rows of the lecture hall and hearing -- but certainly not listening to -- whatever topic the professor has to talk about, and hearing his monotone voice everyday.

Just four more weeks of this shit... then, in two months time, the summer vacation will come to its conclusion and the same process will repeat itself once again.

So is it really just four more weeks? Or is this a process which could very well last for years on end?


When I first started my college life at Florida State in the Fall semester back in 2005, I was what one would call a typical wide-eyed freshman: eager to start off with a clean slate; aniticipating the possibilities of making new friends and establishing as many connections as possible; anxious to set myself on the path to a well-paying job in the future; and looking to expand my views and learn as much as I possibly could about the world around me. I had the usual naïve optimism of a freshman, looking to try whatever was in front of me to try, and wanting to make the most of this college experience. As cliché as this seems, I truly believed my possibilities to be endless.

Three years and a transfer to UCF later, my opinions and general feelings towards college have changed greatly. While I'm still keen on making friends and connections in my final year as an undergraduate, I have lost much of the passion, enthusiasm and motivation I had for the college life that I had during my freshman year in Tallahassee. My eagerness to absorb, learn, and shape my outlook on the world has been replaced by the need to read one expensive, yet ultimately unsatisfying and even useless, textbook after another. My eagerness to gain knowledge and skills necessary to set myself up nicely for the working life has been replaced not only by the urge to read (and reread) those textbooks, but also by this obligation to put out one frustratingly repetitive paper after another.

I often wonder to myself, "What am I really getting out of this experience?" What kind of knowledge and wisdom am I gaining from typing all the research papers and sitting through all the lectures? It's all strange to me: the longer I've been in college, the more difficult it has become for me to find answers to these questions.

Some say that college is the perfect setting for young people to make self-discoveries, carve out their personalities, and then to ultimately forge their own identities. Frankly, I think that's bollocks. There's nothing more impersonal than a lecture in an auditorium or a seminar hall. The teacher often speaks to nobody in particular, only stopping intermittently to half-heartedly coax the class into participating; the students, in turn, opt to either read off the overhead screen and write down whatever they see in front of them; talk amongst themselves, knowing the teacher wouldn't notice; or go on their laptops and check their e-mails, log onto AIM or some other messenger, or read the new comments and bulletins on their Facebook and Myspace accounts. Again, I ask: What am I really getting out of it?

Perhaps the better question is this: Why do I even bother?

Why do I keep going to these unrewarding, bitterly unengaging lectures? Why do I keep reading the same stale, monotonous, and unsatisfying textbooks? What could possibly keep me going? The answer is much easier to give this time: it all comes down to an underlying fear of failure.

From a young age, we are conditioned to believe that we have to get as much as education as possible in order to make it in the real world. We are told that nothing less than a Bachelor's degree would suffice, that a college degree is an absolute must if we wanted to guarantee our livelihood in the future. Admittedly, I too have gotten caught up in this fear, and it's the main reason why I'm still in college. Never mind that some of my high school friends have moved into stable, if not exactly lucrative, careers without stepping foot on a college campus; I now feel like a college degree is indeed a necessity for me, and being only a year away from getting my own degree, I'll just have to keep on keeping on.


Which leads me to the talks about my future after graduation. My grandmother and I have clashed several times over the past year regarding my plans after graduation. She has been unrelenting in her view that I need to go into graduate school, almost to the point where she feels it's my destiny and obligation to do so; meanwhile, I have been very wary, and skeptical, about going any further with my education.

Even if I had the necessary credentials and aptitude for post-graduate work -- and my grandmother is fully convinced that I have both -- my willingness and drive to succeed right now is nowhere near what I imagine would be required of me at that level. Some may be tempted to correct me on this, but I simply don't see any personal gains in forcing myself to slog through two more years of writing mind-numbing papers and burning through even more books than I've already gone through. Am I really going to "learn" anything I haven't been "taught" before? More importantly, what would the two extra years get me? A slightly higher salary? An extra promotion or two? An added level of prestige?


Right now, all I really want is an opportunity to determine for myself how and where to live my life. No outside influences or interferences. No single person or a group telling me what to do or where to go. None of that. I feel like any decision on how to live my life has to be strictly my own. All I ask for is a little bit of free rein. A little bit of free will. And one chance to set my own course.

A year from now, I hope to be able to make the most important decisions for myself. I hope to be in position to make them, and to be able to follow my own path afterwards. I will spent the next year in hope that my own free will finally have its day.

I long for that moment.

4:13pm: UEFA Cup final prediction (by yours truly)
( Rangers FC vs FC Zenit St Petersburg (14 May 2008: Manchester, England) )